Chapter 4: Intimate Relationships
BY ROGER R. HOCK
Historical Perspectives
Arranged Marriages

Dowries

Bundling

Marriage for Love and Intimacy
Intimacy and Sexual Orientation
Some aspects of intimate relationships may apply to opposite sex
couples.

Flirting

Verbal communication
Stereotypes about lesbian and gay couples have persisted.

Dysfunctional and unhappy

Unstable
Establishing Early Intimacy

Field of Eligibles

All the individuals who meet a person’s criteria as a potential romantic
partner.

Romantic attraction criteria

Unique to each individual

Not cast in stone
Physical Attractiveness

Beautiful is better bias

Attractive children are more popular

Attractive applicants have a better chance of getting jobs

Attractive people are found guilty less often
Establishing Early Intimacy

Physical Attractiveness

The effects of media

Current U.S. media-ideal for how a woman’s body “should” look (exceedingly
thin) is attainable by only about 5% of all women.

Men appear to be much less self-critical of their physical appearance.

However, men may actually overestimate their attractiveness and fail to see
physical flaws.
Physical Attractiveness

The matching hypothesis

People tend to seek romantic and sexual partners who possess a similar level
of physical attractiveness to their own.
Establishing Early Intimacy

Proximity

How close in physical distance you are to another person over time

The closer you are in geographical distance, the greater the probability
that you will grow to like, or even love, someone.

The proximity effect

Mere exposure effect
Similarity

Opposites attract?

People are more likely to become romantically involved with others who
possess attitudes, interests, and personality characteristics similar to their
own.

Still seek potential partners who offer at least a few contrasts and differences
to themselves
Establishing Early Intimacy

Flirting

Behaviors designed to signal sexual or romantic interest in another
person

Quite similar in all humans and tend to follow fairly predictable patterns
Flirting

The approach

Talk

Swivel and turn

Touch

Synchronization
Establishing Early Intimacy

Reciprocity of Attraction

Balance

The relationship should not be overly controlled by either partner.
When reciprocity is lacking, one or both people may experience:

Guilt

Resentment

Frustration
Historical Perspectives

Establishing Early Intimacy

Field of Eligibles

Physical Attractiveness

The “beautiful is better” bias

The effect of media

The matching hypothesis
Establishing Early Intimacy

Proximity

Proximity Effect

Mere Exposure Effect

Similarity

Flirting
?
Reciprocity of attraction
Figure 4.1 The Triangular Theory of Love
Sternberg’s theory of love includes three fundamental components— intimacy, passion, and
commitment— which, in various combinations, define seven types of love relationships.
Source: Figure from THE TRIANGLE OF LOVE by Robert J. Sternberg. Copyright © 1998. Published by
Basic Books. Reprinted by permission of Dr. Robert J. Sternberg.
What Is Love?
?
Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
?
?
The Three Components
?
Intimacy
?
Passion
?
Commitment
Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
?
Possible Combinations of the Three Components
?
Liking (I)
?
Infatuation (P)
?
Empty Love (C)
?
Romantic Love (I & P)
What is Love?
?
Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
?
?
Possible Combinations of the Three Components
?
Fatuous Love (P &C)
?
Companionate Love (I &C)
?
Consummate Love (I, P & C)
John Lee’s Styles of Love
?
The Six Styles
?
Eros Love
?
Ludus Love
?
Storge Love
?
Mania Love
?
Pragma Love
?
Agape Love
Communication in Love
Relationships
?
?
Patterns of Effective Communication
?
Validating
?
Volatile
?
Conflict-avoiding
Communication Warning Signs
?
Criticism
?
Contempt
?
Defensiveness
?
Stonewalling
Communication in Love
Relationships
?
Improving Communication
?
Understanding intimate communication: Five “Keys”
?
Decide don’t slide
?
Do your part
?
Make it safe to connect
?
Open the doors to positive connections
?
Nurture your commitment
Communication in Love
Relationships
?
?
Sexual Communication
?
Sexual Self-Disclosure
?
Barriers
?
Lack of Information
?
Embarrassment
?
Insecurity About Using the Right Words
?
Sexual Taboos
?
Fear of Judgment
?
Fear of Rejection
Sexual Communication
?
Strategies for Improving Sexual Communication
Losing Love: Why Relationships End
?
?
Ten Reasons Why Relationships Fail
?
Lack of self-knowledge
?
Acceptance of sexual myths and stereotypes
?
Ineffective communication
?
Imbalances of decision-making power
?
Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of self-confidence
?
Isolation
Ten Reasons Why Relationships Fail
?
Failing to keep promises, lying, or cheating
?
Excessive jealousy (normal vs. pathological)
?
Controlling behaviors
?
Abuse and violence
Abusive and Violent Relationships
?
Types of Relationship Abuse
?
Physical
?
Verbal
?
Emotional
Figure 4.3 The Power and Control Wheels
of Abusive Relationships
When one person in a relationship
repeatedly scares, hurts, puts down, or
injures the other person, it is abuse. These
Power and Control Wheels illustrate
examples of these forms of abuse in
heterosexual and same-sex relationships.
Remember, abuse is much more than
grabbing, slapping, or hitting.
Source: “Power & Control in Dating
Relationships” and “Lesbian/Gay Power
and Control Wheel” as published by
Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs.
Reprinted by permission of DAIP, 202 E.
Superior St., Duluth, MN 55802.
Figure 4.3 (continued) The Power and
Control Wheels of Abusive Relationships
When one person in a relationship
repeatedly scares, hurts, puts down, or injures
the other person, it is abuse. These Power
and Control Wheels illustrate examples of
these forms of abuse in heterosexual and
same-sex relationships. Remember, abuse is
much more than grabbing, slapping, or
hitting.
Source: “Power & Control in Dating
Relationships” and “Lesbian/Gay Power and
Control Wheel” as published by Domestic
Abuse Intervention Programs. Reprinted by
permission of DAIP, 202 E. Superior St., Duluth,
MN 55802.
Figure 4.4 The Cycle of Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationships
Violent and abusive relationships tend to progress in a predictable cycle of repeating and
increasing volatility.
Abusive and Violent Relationships
?
?
Getting Out and Moving On
?
Leaving a violent relationship
?
The temptation to go back
?
Loving again
Getting Out and Moving On
?
Self-Discovery: Your criteria for a healthy, nonabusive relationship
?
What qualities do you require?
?
What characteristics are unacceptable?